


like pulling out my hair and poisoning the roots

by jurassiclouis



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angry Harry, Angry Louis, Angst, Closeted Characters, Coming Out, M/M, Sad Ending, Sad Harry, Sad Louis, Scared Louis, Slight homophobic language, So so much angst, but possible sequel with a happy one, very slight blink and you'll miss it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-27
Updated: 2015-06-27
Packaged: 2018-04-06 09:31:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4216512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jurassiclouis/pseuds/jurassiclouis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“I’m so tired, Harry. I’m so tired of this every single day - I have no one. For the longest time I thought I had you, but I was wrong.”</p>
<p>or the one where Harry wants to come out but Louis is terrified.</p>
            </blockquote>





	like pulling out my hair and poisoning the roots

**Author's Note:**

> HAHAHAHAHAHAHA SO MUCH ANGST. Bare with me, this was barely edited and written out of pure frustration at this new girl. There will possibly a sequel if you want one idk who knows. Please enjoy :)

Louis and Harry hadn’t been talking. In fact, it’s been about a week now since they had a big meeting with their team of management and since then, not a single word has been spoken between the two of them.

Harry was fuming in a way that only Harry could, which generally meant that he just stopped doing little things for Louis like setting out his clothes in the hotel, bringing him breakfast, texting him midday with the dumbest facts he could find. Harry’s anger was absence.

Louis wasn’t the angry one this time, no this time he was scared that it was the last straw in their thin relationship. They could only take so many falls before everything was bound to come crashing down.

They were supposed to have been able to come out _six months ago_. But then, the drama with Zayn started and they knew long before they let on that he was backing out, so management decided it was ‘at least another year’ before their fans get over his departure, so they were delayed even more.

But this time, the four boys had gotten together and made a plan, or at least three of them did, to confront their entire team and demand their permission, but it didn’t quite go as planned in the past meeting.

When they suggested instead of Larry coming out, that either Harry or Louis get another girlfriend like it was a viable option, Harry, Niall, and Liam almost seemed to explode.

It was only Louis, the usual outspoken one who remained quiet and pensive and after minutes of fighting, he spoke up and said, “I’ll do it,” like it was the easiest decision he’s ever made.

He won’t forget the look of absolute betrayal on Harry’s face, but that was only because he didn’t _get it_. There wasn’t going to be a choice, Louis had grown to learn this, so the least he could do was volunteer. Having a fake relationship always tore Harry’s demeanor apart and he _hated it_ and at least Louis had practice.

So it was all set up. What would look like a regular lads trip to Glastonbury with Niall would turn into something with a mutual friend and from there they would decide together if the ‘fling’ would need to turn into something more permanent.

But now, Louis was in the middle of it and all he could think about was Harry. He was walking through the middle of one of the busiest places in England right now full of bands and booze and friends and Harry was number one on his mind, like most times. He was just so worried that he would get back and the room would be empty with a note on the pillow and all he wanted was a reassuring text saying from Harry saying that he loved him, but it never came no matter how long he waited and Louis knew the smile on his face grew dimmer and dimmer with each pap shot taken.

 

-

 

When Louis finally got back to the hotel, he was sad and tired and just done with the day, having spent all his time going out of his mind and sending text after text to Harry in hopes of a reply. He wanted his boyfriend to hold him and tell him that it’s okay, so that they can both apologize and move on with their relationship. One look at the bed tells him that there is no chance in Hell that any of those things would come true because there Harry is, sitting up in the bed with his back turned to the door and shoulders hunched like he was ready for a fight.

Louis was afraid that all the fight was already gone inside of himself.

The door clicked behind him and Harry turned his head slightly to acknowledge his presence which was more than Louis even thought he would get.

“Did you have a good time?” It was venom, pure poison to Louis’ heart.

Louis ducked his head down. “You know I didn’t.”

He was so _sick_ of feeling this way, constantly guilty of his choices and afraid that today would be the day that Harry got sick of his shit and left him. He thought things were going so well too, they had finally come to a happy medium of being friends in the public, so everything was fine. Why the fuck did everything always spin out of control?

“I just don’t understand you, Louis. You say you love me, but you can’t bear the thought to come out with me,” Harry started, standing up and turning around.

“Don’t start with this, Harry. You _know_ I love you, how can I prove it more than I already have? Hell, I inked my skin to remind me everyday with every single detail I love about you.”

“Then why can’t you do this Louis? For me, for _us_?” Harry asked, his voice rising in a way that it always did when they spoke about coming out.

“I just can’t! Why are you so determined to force me to do something that I am so, so terrified to do,” Louis argued, trying to end the conversation like he had done many times before. How many times has it been now? Why can’t Harry just accept once and for all that he is not ready yet? He hated holding him back from this, but his fear took over in the end.

“No one will even care, Louis! What are you so afraid of?” Harry screamed, air ringing behind the words. And there it was, the same question that came up every single goddamn time this argument happened. _What are you so afraid of?_ Like Harry didn’t know that it was the backlash, in Louis’ mind every decision he made always involved other people’s opinions.

Louis got quiet all at once, his face morphing from pure anger to heart wrenching sorrow, something that Harry has never seen before no matter the situation. He tried avoiding this conversation, had hid it for _so long_.

“Do you remember the Rovers deal?” he asked very quietly.

Harry wasn’t quite sure where this was going, but the anger coursed deep in his veins and he wasn’t _done_ with this conversation yet. “Louis, I don’t know what this has to do with any-”

“Do you _remember_ the Rovers deal?” Louis repeated just over a whisper this time.

With a sigh, Harry replied, “Yes, I do.”

There was a tangent silence, thick and uncomfortable for both parties. Louis was taking deep breaths, his eyes closed and Harry still had metaphorical steam coming out of his ears as he waited for Louis to _get the fuck on with it_.

“When we,” Louis finally started, his voice cracking on just the second word. He took another breath and started over, his bottom lip wobbling and fear taking over, but now, he just needed Harry to _understand_. “We were meeting to sign the final papers and I decided that with the new year coming up and the possibility of us coming _out,_ I should bring in one of our lawyers and discuss the situation with John.”

Harry was absolutely floored at this and suddenly the foot of space in between them seemed to stretch on for miles. “You never told me th-”

“I didn’t tell you because everything turned to absolute _shit_ , Harry!” Louis exploded, tears running down his cheeks despite his best efforts. “Look what happened with that deal, it went down the drain the minute that I even brought up my sexuality and that was just in private-”

“Louis-”

“Shut up! Shut up for once and let me speak! Everytime I get dragged into the mess of a new girlfriend or a new tweet, you seem to be the only one to have an opinion about it, like I’m just some complacent sort of dog who follows orders. Well I’m _not_ , Harry, I’m a real fucking person who has real fucking feelings,” he’s really _truly_ shouting now, his entire body shaking with the force he’s putting behind his words. “And I figured out, there’s not a single damn place for me in this world if I’m not the straight guy in One Direction. You’re Harry fucking Styles and no one gives a shit if you happen to be gay, it’ll just add to your _image_. Me on the other hand, what else do I have to offer here? The only other thing I had going for me was football, but guess what, they don’t want ‘ _fucking poofs messing up their game_ ’.”  
  


Harry’s anger dissipates and now all he can go is look at his boyfriend who is hurting. “Is that really what he-”

“Yes,” Louis says, the fight going out of him. “That’s really what he said.” His breath is shaky as he breathes in and out quickly, his heart racing far too fast. “What would I do, Harry, if all of this got taken away? Everyone around me is counting on me to be successful, it’s giving my mother the chance to not worry about money, my sisters the chance at their own success, the boys the chance to continue their dreams. So forgive me, Harry, if I’m not ready to come out yet. I’m sorry  okay, don’t you understand that. I wish I could have the strength and the means to come out, I really fucking do.”

There are no words anymore. Harry doesn’t know what to say, he doesn’t actually think that he’s heard Louis speak so many of his fears all at once.

Louis beats him to it again, breaking the silence with a resigned laugh filled with no single trace of joy. “It doesn’t even matter, you’re gonna go run off to LA as some messed up form of rebellion with your gay pride tweets and your quirky shirts and leave me here with my fake twitter and my fake girlfriend, disappointing everyone while trying to please everyone at the same goddamn time.”

Harry went to grab his arm, to pull him close, to do something that would make him feel like Louis wasn’t already a million miles away, but Louis flinched back.

“I’m just not ready to be the world’s biggest disappointment, I already know that I’m yours.”

Those were the last words he spoke before he bolted out the door of Harry’s hotel room, afraid of what Harry was going to say back.

 

-

 

Louis did the one thing he knew he could do right that night and that was get absolutely _smashed_ with the usual lads. They were out in some club that Louis doesn’t know the name of because he never does and he’s got a beer in one hand and a handful of girls surrounding him, truly living up to his image.

He’s sweaty and gross and feels like shit, but he’s got the world’s biggest smile on his face like it’s his job to be happy because it is.

Nothing really makes sense after he chugs the next beer, it’s all a mix of loud noises, strobe lights, and finally someone saying fucking shit, Louis right in his ear before he’s blacking out and _okay_ , that’s new at least.

 

-

 

He woke up with a raging headache fueled by the self-hatred the was seated deep in his guts. Louis groaned and rolled over in the empty bed, disoriented as to where he was before he realized he had somehow made it back to his hotel room.

He looked around desperately once he found out and realized that was nothing else in the room, all of Harry’s belongings from the night before were gone.

He felt around the covers, reaching a franticness he hasn’t in a long time, before he got a hand on his mobile and was dialing a number he remembers by heart.

“You’re in LA,” was all he said, already feeling the tears start to run down his face. He never thought that Harry would run so quickly. Was he really not even worth a night? A single night to fight and make up - he just had to run away from Louis so quickly. The betrayal Louis felt was like none before.

“Yes,” Harry replied, so withdrawn that it sent Louis into a fit of tears. Harry sighed and no, that was not any better. What was this all for anymore?

Louis’ crying with fervor, sobs wracking his body in a way that they haven’t since he was a child. “I can’t- I can’t do-”

“Louis, I love you,” Harry blurted, the words meaning nothing as they were a desperate attempt to try and prevent the words from coming out of Louis’ mouth.

“If you love me so much then where are you?” he screamed, the force in which he is holding it’s phone so tight it starts to hurt.

Harry sighed, not sure how to respond anymore. “I had to get away,” was what he decided on.

“From me.”

“Louis, that’s not what-”

Now Louis’ voice is scared and quiet, almost like he’s far away as he interrupts him. “It’s always my fault. No matter what I do, I can’t get it right. You want to come out _so bad_ that you left me behind, it’s like you don’t even care that we were supposed to do this together, we were supposed to _hold on_ together, no matter what it took.”

Harry knows better not to speak up, instead he listens to Louis cry for a couple of seconds, some of his own tears running down his face as he thought about how _messed up_ everything was.

“I’m so tired, Harry. I’m so tired of this every single day - I have no one. For the longest time I thought I had you, but I was wrong.”

“Louis, don’t say that, you always have me,” Harry protested, but he knew that Louis was slipping away from him with each passing moment.

“Then come home.”

There was silence, only breathing, but no words.

“That’s what I thought. I can’t do this anymore. You’re free, Harry. From me at least. I know this is what you want deep inside, so I think I’ll keep on pretending that way you don’t have to. I never really wanted to come out, I just wanted to come out with you, so I won’t hold you back anymore.”

And with a click, he was gone.

It took a couple of moments before Harry sunk to his knees, sobs ripping through his body as he tried to think of a world without Louis. WIthout his cold toes pressing against his calves under the covers, without his stupid little laugh when he does something absolutely elementary, without the promise of someone to hold onto when he couldn’t handle the stress himself, without someone to wake up to in the morning. Louis was _so wrong_ , this was never what he wanted. Harry might’ve forgotten along the way, but now it was so clear. None of this meant anything if it didn’t involve Louis beside him.


End file.
